Boundaries During the Holidays
The holidays are upon us. Amidst a season that is hallmarked as joyous and peaceful, many feel the pressure of expectations, additional financial burden, the weight of a personal loss, or the stress of a calendar that is jam-packed with happy celebrations and holiday traditions.
Establishing healthy personal boundaries is an act of self-care and love. As beings who exist in states of interconnectedness, with the backdrop of constant change, it is no big surprise that we experience feelings of pain and discomfort when something happens that strains or frays a relational connection.
There are several types of boundaries: rigid, diffuse, or healthy and it is common for people to rely on a mix. Rigid boundary traits are typically avoidant of intimacy and close relationships and are very protective of personal information. Diffuse boundaries generally allow for too much involvement, over-sharing, and difficulty declining requests. Healthy boundaries are grounded in one's personal values and opinions, and an appropriate level of sharing personal information, and wants/needs are communicated clearly.
When it comes to communicating our personal boundaries, social scientist Brene Brown states, “Clarity is kindness.” In order to establish clear and healthy boundaries, one must become conscious of personal values and self-limitations. A common misconception about boundaries is that they are meant to control the behavior of others. Rather, healthy boundaries reflect the limits of what we are willing to endure ourselves. Having healthy boundaries in relationships is a kindness to yourself, and to those you are in relationship with (hello self-compassion blog from our November newsletter issue).
In his informative Ted Talk on boundaries, Henry Ammar uses a story of a family of porcupines caught in a snowstorm attempting to huddle together to preserve body heat to illustrate the process of negotiating boundaries and the necessity of them. The porcupines drew in close to each other to find warmth and immediately scattered as they encountered each other’s quills. The pressing cold, and whirling snow soon have the porcupines coming together again, only to scatter a moment later from the painful prods. This cycle happens a few times, and eventually the porcupines are able to huddle, just close enough to share warmth and security, without causing unnecessary pain. Similar to the porcupines in a snowstorm, we need the benefits of connection and security to weather the storms of life.
If you are struggling to establish personal boundaries, for whatever reason, a helpful question to ask yourself is, ‘What will my experience be if I do not establish this boundary?’ or ‘What will this cost me?’. Depending on how you answer the question, you may find a solid indicator as to whether the boundary is necessary to preserve your personal values, needs, peace, and joy. Boundaries assist us in establishing space to safely engage in relationships and reap the benefits of connection without perpetually hurting those we care for. So for this holiday season, allow yourself the gift of personal boundaries, and soak in some of the season’s most wonderful qualities. Lastly, no is a complete sentence.
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